30-11-2016
Finally just seen "The Danish Girl", a very powerful film, also describes some of the hell we must face, to be the women we were meant to be, is the complete opposit to what oh so many think, that we just want to have intercourse with men, if this was so, why is it oh so many of us are lesbians??











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23-11-2016
OMG, just had an amzingly scary day, popped into a, to use the ladies, as I stepped out of the Cubicle, there was a Man stood there, accusing me of being a Male, he forced me back into the cubicle, on to the toilet, fore arm across my throat, I tried to get my mobile out of pocket, he realised I was up to something, managed to change to left hand, tried to activate record, unable too, forced to put into other pocket, he realised upto something, all the while, he had forearm across throat, attempting to choke me, J soon appeard in Toilets, this guy panicked got up, I was quickly stood between him and J, again blocked his attacks, he  then moved out of toilets, to be joined by somebody else, all the while, hurling transphobic abuse at me, he was joined by  another, again, shouting abuse, then by a third, who at first appeared to pulling them away, he then continued abuse, I was able to force them out of toilets, then sat down against toilet door, quickly asked J if she was still recording, controller the told J to ensure phone stayed switched on, J was still on it till police arrived, I asked first female to lower jacket, to show number, she did, I released door, after a while , we left bar, up from other police, with said perp, we saw them putting cuffs on him, had an oh so stressfull day, another idiot going down, he'll soon discover how horrible anal really is, unless you really want it, like it??















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02-11-2016

Ah well, 2nd to last step tomorrow, off back to St Barts, final checks before am going in, re op on heart, so you see, not a Heartless Biatch, Tuesday, off to Barts, as far as I know, oh so scared?

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17-11-2016

Damn, am getting oh so confused, body is sending oh so many different signal's out, hormonal would be the only way to describe them, but?

I get no pleasure from anything, yes, can feel them penetrating me,but no pleasure, is oh so long since I have had received any pleasure, oh god yes, can give pleasure, but not receive any, am going slowly mad

Isn't funny,  am unable to receive any pleasure, self or imposed, but can give, oh god yes, can give? Will I end up going Mad, J doesn't seem to understand what it is doing to me, I oh so need to experiment, to investigate myself? But, she is unwilling to play with me, unwilling to allow me to give her pleasure?
Yes I do love her, emotionally, but the physical side is oh so different,  can pleasure her, anybody, but is oh so impossible for me to receive any, CX has shut the door on me, blame me for what they caused, is as if they shut the door on me, after the moment they told that I could get my surgery, but not at Charing Cross, at that private hospital, even they have shut the door on me, do I have a sign on my head, that only other professional's can see, yes generally, am an out going person, before now, nothing got me down, but now, am oh so scared?








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17-11-2016
Just watching another series about Trans Kids, is hard, is making me think about my Child hood, hell I went through at Catterick, I had had first thoughts at Locking, 74-76, about being a female, but realised at an early age, would be unable to be a woman, as was a Male, as far as I knew, would never be one, was watching "Space 1999", dreamt about being the Shape Changer, about converting myself into a woman, and staying so, but, like an idiot, was impossible, that was impossible to turn me into a woman, I oh so knew nothing, that they had been doing GRS's since the 30's-40's, hey, several of the Bond Girls were Trans, the one I love , was the Chopper Pilot, in "Spy Who Loved Me", getting an AA missile straight into her Crotch? one of the girls in "From Russia With Love" was trans. 
   When I was in the mob, as the Regiment moved back to UK, I left the Army, time Served, I never realised till just before I got out, but somebody from 2nd Tanks, that took over from us, in Paderborn, had transferred to Med Corps , had in fact transfered to Med Corps to TRansition, I knew Gay's weren't permitted in the Army, so thought Trans weren't either, OK, so the Army has updated now, permitting Gay's and Lesbians in now. So as far as I knew, they thought of Trans in the same way, as being Gay, but, they had updated their Rules and Regulations, OK, so many Trans are gay, in that oh so many Trans Women are involved with Women, as they were in there male lives, but Trans Men, tend to be Straight, in that Pre-Op, they were involved with women? Oh so many Straight, Normal people, are in fact Gayer than trans?
    Worst part is, I feel I may in fact need to leave J and C, it's not that I don't love them, I always will, but I feel that I am holding her back, she won't make love to me, a woman, but still loves me, I don't want to hurt her, by not allowing her Freedom, I feel that she is happy being with me, someone that will never force her, unable to force her, but I still need that physical interaction, as well as the emotional strength, that she offers me, in abundance, I will always love her, but by staying with her, am infact hurting myself, and it is screwing me up, oh so much








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16-11-2016
Things are getting oh so screwed at the mo, finally starting to feel better, back at the Hospital, Tuesday, thought I had had all my Tests with Hospital, last week, but it appears that the tests that I thought had replaced the tests that I was supposed to have yesterday, were supposed to happen, tests on Thursday, were also meant to go, confused, I know I am?











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15-11-2-16
Talk about screwed up, am back in contact with S, the only man I have had sex with, confused, apparently, I made him finish oh so soon, we both agreed way back when we would never be GF/BF, just friends with benefits, as I can't remember that night we had, completely, remember most of it, but not the actual deed, I can't remember anything of it ever happening with J, she is adamant that if I sleep with anybody else, that's it, goodbye, parents are adamant that I can't go back there, am scared? I guess I need to delete everything, pre 98/99.
  Have been in contact, with  the man that took my Virginity, am oh so tempted to consider things again?










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08-11-2016
On top of everything else, now realised hard way, am Epileptic now. learnt hard way, woke up one morning, all OK started watching TV, what I had recorded, then Blank, woke up about 10 day's later, in hospital.
  Turns out I had an Epileptic fit, every thing blank till night before, another 3 day's in Hospital, Jane visited me every day, even though I was out of it, I was never told anything, by nurses, I was confused as hell, then J was there, she told me everything, OMG, everything they said at school, calling me Epi, how corny could that be, that I end up Epileptic?
   But now, after the 2 weeks in hospital, only aware of the final 3 day's, was comatose for 11 of those day's, apparently J was visiting every sing day, C only occasionally, because of school, but god was oh so confused, thankfully J explained everything, thankfully that first day, thankfully J hadn't left for work yet, or C for school, yet, J called for an ambulance, I had my first seizure then, C was waiting outside for it, apparently, I had a further 3 in the ambulance, another in Hospital, thankfully, was induced straight away, to a coma, was there for 11 day's, apparently, whilst in Coma, they decided to bring me out of it, all I wanted to do was top my self, thankfully can't remember it fully, this was when they tried to bring me out of  coma, so the decided to induce me again, thank god.
  I have no memory of next week, only when they decided to bring me out of it, completely, was oh so confused, thankfully J was there for me, explained everything, but now, have lost memory of those 11 day's plus a bit more, anyway, it turns out, not only am I epileptic, but also got a dodgy heart, is this what coursed the epileptic seizure, am due in for a Cardiograph, in 1 week, then shortly after that, hopefully, will have an op on heart, not the sort that insists on me being on meds for the rest of my life, just the opposite, but still need a heart op, no, not a fat knacker, just the opposite, even us Fittoes get heart conditions, for being too fit, look at that Soccer player, that was lucky, there was a Cardiologist in the crowd, the rugby player that wasn't so lucky, goes to show, heart conditions, you have from birth they don't just show, and I have been in the Army, for just short of 10 years, unless your totaly unfit










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04-11-2016
OMG, finally getting back to normal, major realisation, yes, I am a Lesbian, the only woman I am interested in is J, and she has been brilliant over the last 4 weeks, in to Hospital, every, but, that initial 12 day's, I can't remember, was in an Indused Coma, hilarious part is, day they tried to bring me around, apparently, I tried to throw a chair out of Window, but is plated, then one of staff too. But,as and when I was released from the ward, I was advised to go and visit ICU, they were all happy to see me, including person I tried to throw out of window?? One good thing that the last 2 weeks have proven, is exactly what J means to me. During time in Hospital, she has been in Contact with Gender Clinic, re getting new Birth Certificate etc, she's got further than I ever did, good girl. C has been brilliant too, hardest part for me, is the Amnesia, but, apparently, completely normal for what I have been through, now Epileptic, need Heart Surgery, that's the weird part, needing Heart Surgery, not because I am doing anything, but because I am ultra fit??






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01-11-2016
several thing J has been brilliant, why has she been brilliant, just had 2 weeks in hospital, induced coma, 11 scans, realised I have a heart condition, sort of condition they don't investigate till they have a reason too, they then gave me a camera down my throat, realised my heart is twice the size it should be, the sort of thing that can happen, when your heart isn't releasing the blood, to the system, as it shouldwhich means, taht in about 4 weeks time, I shall join the Zipper Club, OHS, Open Heart Surgery. 10 days or so spent in an induced Coma, during which time, they revived me, I attempted to jump out out of a locked window, then through a chair at one of the Doctors on the ward. About 3-4 day's later after I had been out of Intensive Care, I had been advised to go to Intemsive Care, to let then know I was out, and OK, they were all smiling at me, glad to see that I was OK, forgotten about how I had been, hardest part, is the Amnesia I am suffering from, but this is normal, but getting better, everything is oh so scary for me, wasn't this scary before, but then, then I hadn't been rushed into hospital, forgotten oh so long. Good thing is, it showed me how much J loves me, she was in Hospital every day, sometimes more than once, sometimes 3-4 times a day, even getting called back in, by the team, on the IC Unit, then again when I was being bought out of Coma, because I just needed the woman I love, she even kept everyone I know informed too, even the RBL, and even  a certain NI T'wat, LOL, he even came in to visit me too, so I guess that means he does care about me?







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